All photo credits: Pamela Wraith
REVIEW
✭✭☆☆☆ 2/5
CRUEL INTENTIONS
the 90s Musical
Chelmsford Theatre
Tues 4-Sat 8 March 2025
chelmsfordtheatre.co.uk
✭✭☆☆☆ 2/5
CRUEL INTENTIONS
the 90s Musical
Chelmsford Theatre
Tues 4-Sat 8 March 2025
chelmsfordtheatre.co.uk
If ever there was a show that needed rebranding, this is it. Cruel Intentions the musical is billed as a 90s musical stuffed with 1990s pop hits. What it fails to point out is that it is also stuffed full of scenes of a sexually explicit nature, obscene language, oh and a bare bum. More tea vicar?
With no word of warning regarding this content and no sign of a ‘this show is suitable for 15+’ notice anywhere, the effing and jeffing announcement at the very start of the show was a little startling to say the least.
The show evidently started as it meant to go on as we are introduced to the brother and step-sister pairing of self confessed ‘trust fund casualty’ rich kids, Sebastian Valmont and Kathryn Merteuil, a good looking, well dressed pair, who get their self confessed thrills from taking joy in other people’s misery. Classy!
The action takes place in Manhattan during the summer holidays, before the popular pair go back to High School. If you haven’t seen the film, like me, you can only but go with the flow but the storyline goes along the lines of the highly sexed Kathryn and Sebastian making a bet involving manipulating and seducing certain students to the end that if Kathryn wins she gets Seb’s Jaguar (I know right? I was saving up for a Vauxhall Viva at that age!) and if Seb wins he gets to sleep with his step-sister who he clearly has the hots for (a little bit weird but not illegal I guess). Anyway, this all seems to be perfectly acceptable behaviour for them and their raging hormones.
With no word of warning regarding this content and no sign of a ‘this show is suitable for 15+’ notice anywhere, the effing and jeffing announcement at the very start of the show was a little startling to say the least.
The show evidently started as it meant to go on as we are introduced to the brother and step-sister pairing of self confessed ‘trust fund casualty’ rich kids, Sebastian Valmont and Kathryn Merteuil, a good looking, well dressed pair, who get their self confessed thrills from taking joy in other people’s misery. Classy!
The action takes place in Manhattan during the summer holidays, before the popular pair go back to High School. If you haven’t seen the film, like me, you can only but go with the flow but the storyline goes along the lines of the highly sexed Kathryn and Sebastian making a bet involving manipulating and seducing certain students to the end that if Kathryn wins she gets Seb’s Jaguar (I know right? I was saving up for a Vauxhall Viva at that age!) and if Seb wins he gets to sleep with his step-sister who he clearly has the hots for (a little bit weird but not illegal I guess). Anyway, this all seems to be perfectly acceptable behaviour for them and their raging hormones.
Amongst all the blatant sexual liaisons there are actually some decent 90s pop songs for the cast to raunchily belt out, which for the most case they do pretty well, in between girding loins and copious amounts of thrusting.
Lucy Carter as Cecile gets to sing The Sign after graphically explaining how Seb has had oral sex with her using his tongue to make the shapes of the letters of the alphabet. Playing the ‘geeky’ role a little too well, she squirms with delight as she retells her sexual awakening and how she reached orgasm.
We also have one of the characters, Blaine (Luke Conner Hall), delightfully explaining how he knew Greg (Joe Simmons) wasn’t straight because he had sex with him and sucked him ‘like a hoover’. I can’t remember which 90s pop tune we had after that particular scene; it could’ve been Kiss Me, Lovefool, Sex and Candy or even Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
There’s also some racial prejudice thrown in there for a good ‘this is what the 90s was like’ measure with Mrs Caldwell (Gabriella Williams) getting snotty over her daughter getting too close to her black cello tutor, Ronald (Kevin Yates).
Anyway, thankfully there does come a point where the morals of the story are kind of played out and everyone who deserves it, gets their just desserts, however, by this point it's hard to really care. The characters are pretty one dimensional and frankly not very likeable, which makes it difficult to invest in their journeys.
Lucy Carter as Cecile gets to sing The Sign after graphically explaining how Seb has had oral sex with her using his tongue to make the shapes of the letters of the alphabet. Playing the ‘geeky’ role a little too well, she squirms with delight as she retells her sexual awakening and how she reached orgasm.
We also have one of the characters, Blaine (Luke Conner Hall), delightfully explaining how he knew Greg (Joe Simmons) wasn’t straight because he had sex with him and sucked him ‘like a hoover’. I can’t remember which 90s pop tune we had after that particular scene; it could’ve been Kiss Me, Lovefool, Sex and Candy or even Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
There’s also some racial prejudice thrown in there for a good ‘this is what the 90s was like’ measure with Mrs Caldwell (Gabriella Williams) getting snotty over her daughter getting too close to her black cello tutor, Ronald (Kevin Yates).
Anyway, thankfully there does come a point where the morals of the story are kind of played out and everyone who deserves it, gets their just desserts, however, by this point it's hard to really care. The characters are pretty one dimensional and frankly not very likeable, which makes it difficult to invest in their journeys.
Abbie Blunden as Annette probably gives the most convincing performance of the night as Annette and provides some lovely vocals in Torn. Will Callan as Seb also manages to endear as he realises that he has actually fallen in love for the first time with Annette and also displays some great vocals. Nic Myers as Kathryn plays her role as the sexually charged cool kid really well - her chaise-longue writhing could win an award in itself - and she can certainly belt out a song but I just wish she’d been given the opportunity to give her character just a little vulnerability so that we could ‘like’ her a little. I think that this is overall where Cruel Intentions is lacking in general. It just doesn’t have heart.
It’s a shame because the cast are clearly super talented and there’s some great choreography from Gary Lloyd with lots of cleverly worked on set pieces which are a joy to watch.
The set looks magnificent with production values right up there, which really shouldn’t be surprising for a Bill Kenwright produced musical. The band under the baton of Will Joy sound fantastic and sound and lighting from Chris Whybrow and Nick Richings really add to the atmosphere.
Unfortunately, this musical really doesn’t do what it says on the tin and definitely needs to come with an age warning alongside some serious advertising rebranding.
Despite the promise of it being a camp and comedic 90s jukebox musical it simply doesn’t live up to expectations.
It’s a shame because the cast are clearly super talented and there’s some great choreography from Gary Lloyd with lots of cleverly worked on set pieces which are a joy to watch.
The set looks magnificent with production values right up there, which really shouldn’t be surprising for a Bill Kenwright produced musical. The band under the baton of Will Joy sound fantastic and sound and lighting from Chris Whybrow and Nick Richings really add to the atmosphere.
Unfortunately, this musical really doesn’t do what it says on the tin and definitely needs to come with an age warning alongside some serious advertising rebranding.
Despite the promise of it being a camp and comedic 90s jukebox musical it simply doesn’t live up to expectations.
